How to Handle Difficult Family Dynamics Over the Holidays

By William Schroeder, LPC, NCC and clinically reviewed by Teri Schroeder, LCSW

Last reviewed: October 2026

How do you handle difficult family dynamics over the holidays? My answer starts before you ever get in the car. Picture how you’d like the day to go and how you’d like to feel afterward, then put your plan together backwards from there.

Holidays put people back in the same room, sometimes for days. Old conflicts come along, and so do new disagreements. If you’re dreading it, that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

Below is how I think about the situations that come up most, from politics at the table to grief, plus what to do when things blow up and when it’s worth talking to someone.

What Makes Difficult Family Dynamics Flare Up at the Holidays?

Usually it’s one of a few things: different views on politics, tension left over from past conflicts, friction with your partner, disagreements with your parents about how you raise your kids, or clashes over religion, identity or sexuality.

Being around family can stir up tension between you and your spouse. It can also put you back in old roles. It’s easy to fall back into the roles and conflicts we’ve had in the past, even if we’ve changed a lot since then.

Politics is the one most people expect. In an American Psychological Association survey taken the week of Thanksgiving 2024, 72 percent of U.S. adults said they hoped to avoid discussing politics with family over the holidays, and 39 percent said the thought of politics coming up at a gathering stressed them out (APA, 2024).

How Should I Prepare for a Hard Family Gathering?

Think it through in advance. Look at how past years have gone, learn from them, and plan the details that make things easier.

Start with what’s happened before. What’s been going well? What’s been a challenge? Then think about how you might want to respond this year, as opposed to how you have responded.

Small choices make a real difference:

• Where you sit, and who you sit next to.
• Whether you drink, or whether alcohol is part of the gathering at all.
• Games or activities that give everyone something else to do.
• How long you stay. For some people, that means a shorter holiday somewhere instead of a long one.
• Where you sleep. Some people stay somewhere nearby so they have their own space, instead of at the family’s house.

It can also help to give yourself a job: raking leaves, helping around the house, getting outside for a while. Find ways to interact that make sense for you.

If you know there’s a relative who’s tricky, it helps to prepare for that too. But prepare without rehearsing the unfairness. Going over old hurts again and again in your head before you arrive tends to make the day harder.

Have some compassion for yourself, and for whoever else is having a hard time there. Speaking purely as a therapist, I’d also try to have compassion for the person who can be hurtful, even though that may be hard. When people are angry, bitter or hurtful to others, I think it usually reflects their own pain that may be unprocessed. That doesn’t make it okay. It can make it a little less personal.

How Do I Handle Politics at Thanksgiving Dinner?

Decide ahead of time how much of yourself you want to share. If it helps, agree as a family not to talk politics, and say so before the meal starts.

I think about it as a range of expression, almost like what kind of clothes you want to wear in front of somebody. How much are you comfortable with? What are you actually looking for from the conversation? That varies a lot from person to person.

Sometimes the simplest plan works best: “Hey, during Thanksgiving, let’s not talk politics.” Say it before dinner, or even before anyone sits down.

That decision might also shape where you sit and who you sit next to. Thanksgiving this year falls a few weeks after the November 3 midterm elections, so for some families it may still feel fresh. If the news cycle itself has you on edge, our post on managing election anxiety has more on that.

How Can Couples Stay on the Same Team Around Family?

Agree on a game plan before you go, including what each of you will do if you notice the other is having a hard time.

None of us want to be in a situation where our partner or our children are being criticized. In the moment, it’s easy to slip back into an old role with your family and leave your partner on their own.

So talk it through ahead of time. What happened last year? What would help this year? If one of you notices the other is struggling, have a plan for what you’ll do. That could be going on a walk together, sitting next to them and holding their hand, or whatever seems like it would help.

These conversations sometimes change which family you spend more time with, or whether you stay at a family member’s house at all. That can be tricky. Some couples decide to stay somewhere nearby so they have their own space.

If the same fight keeps coming up every year, couples counseling can help you sort out the plan before the next holiday.

What Do I Do When Grandparents Criticize My Parenting?

Think it through ahead of time, set a boundary as best you can when it comes up, and pick your battles.

Grandparents are famous for this kind of thing, aren’t they? A comment about how you discipline, or a house rule quietly undone.

If you can see it coming, decide in advance which things matter enough to address. If something comes up that you didn’t plan for, do the best you can to communicate a boundary in the moment, then learn from it for next time. Not every comment needs a response. Choose the ones that do.

If parenting disagreements with your own parents are wearing on you outside the holidays too, our family and parenting counseling is a place to work on it.

What If My Family Doesn’t Accept Who I Am?

Make a plan for how you’ll deal with the hurt before you go, because it can be very painful. And know that not going is a real option.

This comes up for LGBTQ+ people going home to relatives who aren’t accepting, and for people who’ve left the faith their family still practices. Think about the people and the things that help you feel safe, and learn from what’s happened in past years.

Maybe that means limiting your exposure a bit. A shorter visit. A night away. Sometimes it’s a decision about whether you go at all. Maybe you have a Friendsgiving instead of a holiday with family.

Each situation is unique, and you’ve got to figure out what’s best for you. We’ve written more about coming out, and every therapist at Just Mind is LGBTQ+-affirming. If you’d rather work with an LGBTQ+ therapist specifically, our LGBTQ+ counseling page explains how to ask for that.

How Do I Cope With Grief During the Holidays?

It’s totally normal for the holidays to be hard after a loss, especially those early anniversaries. It can help to find a way to honor the person, and to let that change from year to year.

That might be a moment of silence before the meal. It might be watching something you know they would have liked. Maybe it’s taking a walk with that person in mind and giving space for whatever comes up.

The same goes for other kinds of loss at the holidays, like the first year after a divorce. What you do this year doesn’t have to be what you do next year. If grief is weighing on you well beyond the holidays, our grief counseling page explains how we help.

What Should I Do When a Family Fight Blows Up?

Give it space and a little time to reset. Then let the people involved know you care, without taking sides.

It totally depends on the situation. Someone storms out, or an argument at the table gets loud. Give it a minute before jumping in. If it’s your partner who’s upset, be there to support them.

And sometimes there’s a point where it’s okay to just leave. You can say something like:

“Hey, we need to go. We need to regroup. They were hurt, and it hurt me too to see them hurt. We need a little bit of space. We love you, but that hurt.”

When Is Holiday Family Stress Worth Talking to a Therapist?

When you notice a lot of dread or anxiety beforehand, a lot of hurt afterward, or you find yourself avoiding family because of what’s happened in the past.

I think it’s important to try and work through that. If there have been specific painful experiences with family, EMDR can help you process them so they affect the present less.

If there’s one situation coming up that you want to think through before you go, a single session is a planned, one-time, 55-minute appointment with a therapist trained in single sessions. For anything bigger, ongoing therapy gives you more room.

We have evening and weekend appointments at our North and South Austin offices and online across Texas. When you’re ready, get matched with a therapist.

Before You Go

Try not to rehearse the unfairness in your head, whatever conflicts have been there in the past. Look at your own safety, and make a plan for what you might need to do to take care of yourself.

Holidays with family can be hard. Some very hurtful conversations happen at family gatherings, and sadly some of them tie to politics. It’s real, and people feel it.

If you notice a sense of dread or foreboding, or there’s a lot of past hurt, talking with somebody can help. And if there’s any concern about safety or harm, that’s something different and needs to be taken seriously. The last question in the FAQ below covers who to call.

FAQ