By William Schroeder, LPC and clinically reviewed by Teri Schroeder, LCSW
I wouldn’t wish the heartbreak of a breakup on my least favorite ex. They can be painful, confusing, disorienting, and disruptive to everyday life. Breakups signal loss to varying degrees, from the loss of companionship and a confidante to the loss of relational and maybe even financial security. Whether it was your decision, your partner’s, or a mutual break, it’s wise to plan for the inevitable changes to your routines and have resources at the ready to support you throughout.
How to Heal After a Breakup
Assemble Your Support Team
First things first: breakups are not something that you need to go through alone. Having people who you can talk to and be with is of prime importance right now. Enlist the help of your friends and family for practical and emotional support in whatever ways you need. Schedule a walk-and-talk with your best friend, go spend a weekend with your parents or siblings. Make it a point to both process the breakup with those you trust, and to spend time doing things together that bring you comfort and joy.
Learn About the Science of a Breakup
There are certain things we can come to expect after a breakup, and preparing yourself for the coming changes can help to ease the tension and grief that comes with big transitions. I’m a big fan of the Stuff You Should Know podcast’s “The Science of Break-Ups” episode for the way they break down the science of a breakup and what happens inside your brain and body when you’re processing the end of your relationship. They highlight similarities between a breakup and quitting an addictive substance. Be mindful of compulsions to reach out, check their social media, or peruse old pictures of them, as it’s likely to leave you wanting more.
Reduce Contact or Consider Going No-Contact (for a While)
While it may be tempting to stay friends with your ex-partner, it can be helpful to take a break from communicating with them while you’re adjusting to your new normal. It’s important that you give yourself space to grieve the loss of your relationship, and checking in with your ex-partner while you’re still processing feelings may lead to confusion and further pain for both of you. This may be extremely difficult at first, but it will get easier as time goes on and you create new habits for yourself. If this isn’t possible for you due to having children together or sharing a friend circle, consider setting boundaries around how you communicate and what about.
Give Yourself Time to Grieve
Set aside some intentional time for yourself to grieve and mourn the loss of a partner. This might look like taking a day off of work to take care of yourself, setting aside a day on the weekend to indulge in a sad movie marathon, creating a sad playlist and making some art about your grief, or anything else that helps you to connect with your emotions in a safe way. When you create containers for yourself to experience your emotions, you give yourself permission to not carry them around with you all day, every day, opening you up to more presence and engagement in the rest of your day-to-day life.
Sharpen Your Emotional Regulation Skills
In the aftermath of a breakup, it’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions and heightened stress from the background buzz of your grief. Check in with yourself throughout your day and do what you can to soothe yourself. This can help calm your impulses to ruminate on the breakup or reach out to your ex-partner. When emotions are running hot or you feel your thoughts starting to spiral, hit pause and calm your nervous system. Here are a few ideas to try:
- Move your body. Do some jumping jacks, take a walk, do a handstand, whatever is accessible to you at the moment. Focus on the physical sensations in your body as you do it.
- Call a friend you trust to talk through your emotions and/or shift your focus to something else.
- Lengthen your exhalations. Slowing your breathing helps calm your nervous system: a 2018 systematic review linked slow breathing to higher heart rate variability, more relaxation and less anxiety. I like to practice by breathing in for 4 counts, holding for 4 counts, exhaling for 8 counts, and holding out for 4 counts. Repeat this at least 3 times.
- Distract yourself. Watch your favorite show or scroll through your favorite feel-good social media account. Bonus points if it can make you laugh.
Re-Up Your Focus on Yourself
A breakup often means you have more time to yourself, meaning you have more time to invest in yourself. What is important to you? What would you like to explore or learn about? This could be a great time to pick up a new hobby, explore a new field of interest, try out that dance class you’ve been thinking about, or take a solo trip to that cute town you’ve been eyeing for months. Redirect your energy to pleasing and exploring yourself. There’s power and joy in that.
Watch Out for Unhelpful Thoughts or Beliefs
It’s normal to doubt ourselves after a breakup and to question what went wrong. However, if you start to notice thoughts about yourself like “I’m unlovable” or “too much” or “not enough,” it’s time to call in some assistance. To a certain extent, it’s both normal and healthy to want to see your part in things and improve upon areas of concern. But when we start to internalize the end of a relationship as “proof” that something is wrong with us, it’s likely that our emotions are telling us a story that simply isn’t true. A breakup is not about your lovability. It’s about your (both you and your partner’s) incompatibility with one another at this point in time.
Practice Self-Compassion
Now is a great time to learn about and apply the practice of self-compassion. Breakups are hard enough, so there’s no need to double down by being critical of and hard on yourself. Grieving is a universal process, and while your relationship and experience are unique, remember that you are not alone in this. Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas has researched and written extensively on self-compassion and how to apply it. Check out her TEDx talk and browse her website to learn more.
A Buddhist Perspective on Healing a Broken Heart
Heartbreak is something that all of us will encounter at some time or another. Having encountered it in my own life through my own divorce, it sent me on a mission to really try and understand its lessons.
I will say that understanding these lessons tested me on everything that I never knew up to that point. The sadness of divorce clung to me like a personal humidity for many months.
One of the hardest things is probably the most simple: slowing down and listening to ourselves. Susan Piver’s article “Buddhism and Relationships: 3 Stages to Heal a Broken Heart” articulates this in a way I found really helpful.
Two Kinds of Breakup Advice That Fall Short
Piver points out that most breakup advice falls into one of two camps. The first is the “You Go Girl!!” approach: go out with friends, get a new outfit, cry on as many shoulders as possible, and dance your troubles away.
She doesn’t think that is bad advice. As she puts it, it won’t do much to ease the pain beyond stuffing it for a few hours.
The second camp tells you something is wrong with you and you made this happen. Healing old wounds and examining your thoughts matters. But when the goal is to avoid pain rather than increase your capacity to love, she argues, it is unlikely to heal you.
Feel the Feelings, Drop the Story
Her answer draws on the American Buddhist nun Pema Chodron: “Feel the feelings. Drop the story.” In Piver’s telling, that means turning toward what you feel instead of away, and letting feelings be what they are without explaining them, shoring yourself up, or blaming anyone.
She also argues that love can never be made fully safe, because it depends on opening up again and again. One caveat she is careful to add: none of this applies if emotional or physical abuse is present. In that case, protect yourself first.
You can read more of Susan Piver’s writing on her site.
Going through a recent heartbreak or divorce and need help coping or getting back into the dating world? We offer dating and relationships counseling, and you can make a counseling appointment here.
Talk to a Therapist
A breakup can be a great time to seek out a therapist. A therapist can help you to acknowledge and express your feelings, find understanding of your relationship and its end, identify both helpful and harmful relational behaviors, achieve clarity about the end of the relationship, and better define what you want and need in your future partnerships. You deserve help and support, so don’t hesitate to reach out for it.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
