By William Schroeder, LPC and clinically reviewed by Teri Schroeder, LCSW
Have you had difficulty communicating effectively with your autistic partner? Many of my adult clients tend to fall on the autism spectrum. One issue that commonly comes up is difficulty reading the emotional world of those on the spectrum as it can present in a way that seems very flat or narrow. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have deep emotional worlds. What I have found is that accessing this information tends to take a different route sometimes.
An example of that would be when a client identified their car in the parking lot, not by model or color, but by the plate number. So, if a stranger were in the parking lot with them and asked which car was theirs, they would respond with the plate number instead of saying, “I have that red Honda Accord on the corner.” This person is an excellent example of how people can see and categorize the world around them in vastly different ways. Differences like this can often create some breakdowns in communication and build frustration for those on the spectrum and potentially those connected to them.
Communicating With a Partner With Autism: A Traffic-Light Check-In
One approach that I like to use with clients is loosely adapted from Stephen Porges’s Polyvagal Theory, which describes how the nervous system moves between a state that supports social connection, a fight-or-flight state, and a shutdown state. The colors are my own shorthand, not part of the theory. I call it Green, Yellow, Orange, and Red Light.
- Green light: where you feel comfortable and things are going well and are easy.
- Yellow light: You are scanning for danger and anxious.
- Orange light: Things are starting to meltdown but haven’t completely fallen apart. Tension is high.
- Red light: A meltdown has happened. (For some this is cathartic as their internal world matches their external world)
I will have clients think about the events of their week and ask them to highlight them in the matching colors. The activity tends to help find ways that connect more to the emotional world of this person. I have some clients that do not identify with having many “green light” stages during their days. No matter what, this activity is informative and allows people a greater ability to understand what causes their ASD partners or kids to be throttled during the days or weeks as this might not always be evident. I like to think of it as an activity monitor or debugging log that allows you to have a better view of the processes that take up the most bandwidth in the CPU. Over time this becomes very instructive about changes that may need to happen.
Video: Simple Communication Tips for Relationships When a Partner Has Autism
Try a Card Game Like Grok
Another tool that can be used is the game Grok. Grok is a card game for couples that focuses on pulling words associated with emotions and applying it to recent situations. Similarly, this game encourages emotional processing which can be very constructive. I find that both of these activities tend to unlock dialogue that would easily have been missed without utilizing them.
If you would like counseling and more tips, you can contact us to make a counseling appointment. One last suggestion, for couples I would suggest reading Eva Mendes’s book, “Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome.” Eva has a number of useful insights and activities that promote greater connectedness in ASD relationships. We also offer autism counseling and couples counseling. You can also read Communication Strategies in ADHD Relationships and Tips for Better Communication in ADHD Relationships if you have a partner with ADHD.
