By Rebecca Putter, M.Ed., independent college admissions counselor and Executive Director of Putter Academic & College Experts (PACE). Mental health perspective added by William Schroeder, LPC, NCC, co-founder of Just Mind. Reviewed by Teri Schroeder, LCSW.
I’ve been a college counselor for 15 years. When families first come to me, they’re usually worried about everything from essays to test scores to rejection letters. Those things can be stressful, but in my experience the biggest source of college admissions stress is what happens at home, in the conversations around the dinner table.
For some families the admissions process starts as early as 9th grade, which means years of college talk. Somewhere in there “How was school?” turns into “Did you submit your essay yet?” and the car ride home stops being fun. I’ve seen this stress put strain on even very close parent-kid relationships. Below are some tips to help you keep the peace at home and get back to enjoying dinner together.
Give college talk a set time (and then leave it alone)
When college comes up every day, students start to feel like it will never end, and they tell me so all the time. A parent might ask “Did you ask for your letter of recommendation yet?” as a quick check-in, but a 17-year-old usually hears it as a pop quiz.
I suggest families pick one time a week, like Sunday dinner, for the college conversation. Go over what’s due, make any decisions that need making and share news. After that, try to leave it alone until next week.
It works because students stop bracing for the “college talk” every time they sit down to eat. It helps parents too, because they know an update is coming and don’t have to keep nagging.
Celebrate the milestones your student controls
Applying to college takes a lot of work over a long period of time. Many families wait until acceptance letters arrive to celebrate, but by then students have been working hard for months or even years.
I encourage families to celebrate the smaller milestones along the way, such as taking the SAT or ACT for the first time, finalizing the college list, finishing a first draft of the personal statement (even a messy one), and submitting the first and last applications.
Every one of those milestones is something your student controls. The admissions decision is not. When the only celebration is saved for decision day, the family’s good news depends on the one part of the process nobody at the table gets a say in.
Celebrations can be small. You might order their favorite takeout or give them a night off from chores. Telling them you’re proud of them matters too, even if they act like it doesn’t. Their effort deserves recognition regardless of what admissions offices decide.
Build a balanced college list
I tell every family that if a school admits fewer than 20% of applicants, it’s a reach for everyone regardless of GPA and test scores. Those schools turn away far more qualified students than they take.
Your student’s list should include a majority of schools where their GPA and test scores are at or above the median. These should also be schools your student would genuinely be happy to attend.
To find this information, I recommend using the Common Data Set. Most colleges publish one every year for free. To find it, search “[college name] Common Data Set” and scroll to Section C, which covers first-year admissions statistics. This section lists how many students applied and were admitted, SAT and ACT ranges (including the median) alongside GPA information.
At test-optional schools, keep in mind that the score ranges only include students who chose to send scores, so they tend to run high.
If your family is feeling the pressure, you’re welcome to reach out to me for a free consultation at www.rebeccaputter.com.
When college admissions stress needs a therapist
The rest of this post comes from William Schroeder, LPC, NCC, co-founder of Just Mind, on the mental health side of the process.
Rebecca’s tips will lower the temperature for most families. Sometimes, though, the stress turns into something bigger. Just Mind sees teens and families for this, and it inevitably comes up.
It may be time to talk to a therapist if you notice your student:
- Shutting down
- Showing anxiety or panic
- Losing sleep
- Withdrawing from things they’re normally passionate about
The same goes if fights at home keep escalating around things related to college admissions pressures.
Notice what’s yours and what’s your kid’s
Parents can accidentally get in the way of that help. In session, I sometimes see parents bring their own anxiety in with them, whether it’s worry about their kid’s future success or their own struggles from the past.
It’s very common for parents to overfunction and even over-worry for their kids. It helps to notice what is yours and what is your kid’s, and to try to separate the two.
Ask yourself whether you’re telegraphing your own worry or experience onto your kid. The alternative is checking in with them: how are they doing with all of this, and what are their ideas?
Plan for rejection before it arrives
Talk about rejection before it happens. Ask your student what their thoughts are if good news comes, and what their thoughts are if bad news comes. Then think through a plan together for what might make sense.
For one kid, that plan might look more internal. They might pull back, handle it on their own or get frustrated for a while. Give them the space to do that, hopefully in a healthy way. You can also say you are there for them if they need you.
Be open about your own experience too. Something as simple as “I don’t know if I ever told you this but I also had some things go well and some that didn’t, and that’s all part of this – and I know it’s hard” can take some of the sting out.
As a parent, it helps to remember that the struggle and the rejection that inevitably happen give kids grit. They come out stronger in the end. We can’t take that away from our kids, and trying to is actually harmful to them.
If you’re seeing any of the signs above, or college has become a constant source of conflict at home, our therapists work with teens and parents through family counseling. For students applying with ADHD or another learning difference, Rebecca’s earlier post on learning differences and college admissions covers disclosure and accommodations.
