By Alyssa Van Lopik, LCSW and clinically reviewed by Teri Schroeder, LCSW
A Clinician, a Partner, and a Personal Reckoning
I was recently, and profoundly, humbled, both as a clinician and a partner, by a personal experience. It’s moments like these that remind me why I love what I do.
Let me back up.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for six. We like to claim we know each other better than we know ourselves, which feels true, and also absolutely isn’t. We proudly wear a badge of self-awareness, often ignoring our significant blind spots.
In 2020, my husband sought support for suspected ADHD. His motivation? Both of his brothers were diagnosed, and he suspected he might share some of their experiences.
Conflict Between the Partner and the Clinician
I had conflicting feelings. As both a partner and a clinician, I didn’t observe him struggling in the ways I understood ADHD to manifest.
Partner Alyssa supported anything that helped him function and was proud of him for seeking support.
Clinician Alyssa, however, was cautious, concerned about misdiagnosis, overprescribed stimulants, and the fact that he was seeking a diagnosis in adulthood, despite ADHD symptoms typically emerging in childhood.
After receiving a formal diagnosis and starting stimulant medication, he reported feeling more organized, focused, and less anxious at work. As his partner, I was glad. But personally, I didn’t feel much change. At that point, ADHD didn’t seem to be affecting our relationship.
When ADHD Collides with Parenthood
Then we had our first child. Like most couples, we faced some growing pains but managed to navigate them, renegotiating roles and responsibilities effectively.
When our second child arrived, that balance collapsed.
I grew frustrated with what I perceived as his lack of flexibility and attunement to our chaotic life with two young kids. I began overfunctioning and resenting it.
He struggled with the lack of structure and interpreted my overfunctioning as treating him like a child rather than a partner.
We couldn’t get on the same page. Misunderstandings became constant, conflict patterns entrenched, and both of us felt isolated and defeated.
My Clients Taught Me What My Degree Didn’t
During this period, I happened to be working with several clients diagnosed with ADHD. To better support them, I immersed myself in ADHD-related literature, podcasts, and research. What I found was color and nuance far beyond the sterile clinical criteria of the DSM.
And then I read The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov, and my perspective shifted dramatically.
Suddenly, I could see my husband, and our relationship, more clearly. I developed greater empathy for him and for myself. I felt validated and, more important, motivated to move forward together, with a deeper understanding of how differently our minds work.
Learning Together: The Game-Changer
I encouraged my husband to read the book, too. We were stunned to discover how deeply our differing neurotypes had been influencing our marriage.
Reading it together brought us closer. It increased mutual empathy, allowed us to practice patience, and, above all, humbled us. We’ve since committed to a shared path of curiosity and continued learning.
Have we figured it all out? Not even close. But we are figuring it out, together.
We feel more hopeful, more connected, and more capable.
Here are five practical strategies that have helped us:
5 Tips for Navigating a Relationship with an ADHD Partner
1. Read The ADHD Effect on Marriage Together
This book was a turning point for us. It’s vital that both the neurodivergent and neurotypical partner understand how ADHD shapes relationship patterns. You need shared language to solve shared problems.
2. ADHD Is Not the Enemy
It’s easy to fall into the trap of viewing ADHD as a defect or burden. Don’t. ADHD brings many strengths: forgiveness, spontaneity, creativity, multitasking, resilience. Celebrate these.
(Neurotypical partners: many of these traits are probably what drew you in.)
Looking for more context and practical advice? Check out our 13-minute video interview below, where we discuss real-world strategies for supporting your ADHD partner and creating a balanced relationship.
3. The Non-ADHD Partner Has Work to Do, Too
While your partner may carry the diagnosis, responsibility isn’t theirs alone. Chances are, the neurotypical partner has also developed coping behaviors, some likely unhealthy.
Your commitment to each other includes learning how to adapt, together.
4. Build Systems, Not Battles
ADHD brains benefit from structure and predictability. For us, that’s meant putting everything, and we mean everything, on a shared calendar. That includes appointments, chores, even intimacy.
Routines don’t restrict freedom. They create it.
5. Be Curious, Not Certain
Don’t assume. Ask. Perspective-taking is essential, especially when your brains work differently. The goal isn’t to be right, it’s to understand each other.
Keep your eye on that prize.
How ADHD Can Show Up in Conversations
Often I have ADHD individuals come in for counseling and one issue that frequently comes up is communication difficulties in relationships.
If you’re the partner without ADHD, some of these probably sound familiar. None of them mean your partner doesn’t care. They’re how an ADHD brain handles attention, memory, and emotion.
- Drifting off mid-conversation. Attention can wander even when the topic matters, especially in long talks without much back and forth.
- Interrupting. A thought pops up, and the ADHD brain says to share it now or lose it.
- Forgetting what you agreed on. The conversation happened, but it never got stored. “We talked about this” can come as a real surprise.
- Hyperfocus. When your partner is locked into something interesting, they may not hear you at all.
- Big reactions to feedback. Many adults with ADHD have heard a lifetime of criticism, so a small complaint can land like a big one.
Communication Tips for the Partner Without ADHD
- Get their attention first. Say their name, wait for eye contact, or ask, “Is now a good time?” before starting something important.
- Keep important talks short and specific. One topic and one clear ask works better than a long list of everything that’s been bothering you.
- Separate the person from the symptom. “You forgot again” can become “The ADHD got in the way again. How can we set this up so it works next time?”
- Take care of yourself, too. Your frustration is real, and your needs matter. Support for you is part of a healthy relationship.
More Communication Tips for Both Partners
These tips work for both of you, whether or not you’re the one with ADHD.
Turn Towards Your Partner
Having ADHD often means you are a person of many interests and you can easily get lost in them. When your partner comes in to talk with you, put down what you are doing and pay attention to what they are saying. If you need to continue with what you are doing, let them know that you can talk for a few minutes but have to return to your project.
Practice Redos
No one is perfect, and we are all going to make mistakes. What if we process those mistakes with our partner for how we could have resolved the issue better? In the book “Getting Past No,” they talk about the concept of coming to the balcony of the issue together, as if you were watching a play. Each person takes a turn saying their interpretation of what happened while the other listens attentively. If you are angry, give it some space, but set a time to come back to it.
Pay Attention to Agitation
Pay attention to the signs in your body when you might be working towards a full-on meltdown. One easy way is to put an oximeter on your finger during what you know will be a tricky discussion, and set the alarm to go off when your pulse gets over 100 beats per minute. This is typically when the limbic system of your brain (fight or flight) takes over and your prefrontal cortex shuts down.
Knowing the signs (sweaty hands, a clenched jaw) helps you know when to take a break and come back to the conversation in a calmer state. (More about what happens when we get angry.)
Focus on Feelings
I like the model that John Gottman presents: “Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z).” Focusing on feelings helps you get to the unarguable truth in conversations. The analogy I often use is practicing “dropping your sword” and being undefended.
Professional Help Isn’t a Bad Thing
I had a friend who once described his first marriage as a boat, with himself as the captain. At the time he felt captains were supposed to keep the boat from sinking on their own, and if it did start to sink, they were supposed to go down with it. In his second marriage, he and his partner accepted professional help so they could learn from each other and have strategies for problems as they arise.
If you’d like support, we offer couples counseling and you can make a counseling appointment. You can also read Communication Strategies in ADHD Relationships.
A Final Word: This Is a Journey, Not a Fix
There’s no finish line here. And surprisingly, that’s a relief.
We’ve shed the illusion that we know ourselves, and each other, completely. We see our blind spots not as flaws but as invitations to grow.
As life evolves, so will your dynamic. Your different ways of thinking will inevitably clash at times. That’s okay. Return to these strategies, seek out resources and community, and remember: you are not alone.
