by Shannon Haragan, MA, MFA, LPC-I
If it’s true that the space between our expectations and our reality is where stress lives, then it’s basically guaranteed that at some point during the holiday season, most of us will want to pull our hair out. Expectations are shaped by a variety of forces. Every fall, both the retail world and the media put forth concentrated effort to basically hijack our minds and hearts, and together, they have the power to shape our expectations and define our goals for the holiday season–without us even realizing it. Just think about the commercials, TV shows, print ads, movies and songs, all of which feature blissfully happy families, surprising each other with new cars wrapped in bows bigger than the car itself, sitting joyfully around the dinner table in beautiful clothes, or singing carols together around a perfectly tuned piano, while through the sparkly-clean window in the background, we see snow gently falling to the ground. This is the way the holidays should be, right?
- Stop “Shoulding” Yourself
The media hands us a silver platter of “shoulds” that we typically readily accept without question: My family *should* get along harmoniously at all times. The gifts I give to those I love *should* be exactly what they want. I *should* bake cookies and pies and muffins for everyone in the office, my neighbors, and all of my kid’s teachers and classmates. I *should* LOVE to listen to the holiday music station every time I’m in the car, and in general, I *should* feel blissed-out and oh-so-very thankful 24/7. Don’t let the media set your expectations, or hand you their platter of “shoulds.”. Bottom line: What do YOU want and need this time to look like?
- Re-Think Your Goals
Goals and expectations go hand in hand. If your goal is to buy the hot new Pie in the Face game for your family to play together on Christmas Day, as an example, you may be sadly disappointed when you realize it’s sold out everywhere, which can certainly lead one to feeling stressed. Instead, go a little further upstream and ask yourself what is it that you REALLY want? In other words, what would having that game do for your family? Would it help create togetherness? Laughter? Memories? Once you re-think your goal, it’s easier to see other paths that might ultimately get you to the same place.
- Assign a Stress-Free Zone in Your Home
During the holidays, our home environment often morphs into something almost unrecognizable: Decorations everywhere, pine-scented candles, rearranged and cramped furniture to make space for the tree, the smells of gingerbread or latkes coming from the kitchen, the sounds of kids home from school, or your tipsy uncle wanting to talk politics. For some, this change is a welcome one. For others, it can be an assault on our senses and certainly can challenge our feelings of home and belonging. Instead, try setting aside some space in your home that is a “stress-free” zone, and design it in exactly the way YOU need it to be: no flashing lights, no music, no candles, perhaps not even conversations. Go there regularly. It will give you a physical escape and place to be reminded of life beyond the holidays. (And while you’re in there, consider doing two minutes of power poses, some slow, deep breathing, and/or have some relaxing aromatherapy on hand, such as lavender or eucalyptus essential oils.)
- Prioritize and Delegate
Feeling overwhelmed? You’re not alone. The holidays promise lists of to-dos, activities, parties, school concerts and events. Stop. What events are the most important to you and your family? Rank them in order, then give yourself permission to miss a few toward the bottom of the list. Then review your to-do lists. Where can others step in and help? Recruit your kids or others to assist where they can, and remind yourself to be flexible. If you find yourself getting stressed with the way Junior is shaping the cookies, review point #2 above.
- Make Time to Laugh
There’s a reason they say laughter is the best medicine: It boosts the immune system by activating illness-fighting T cells. It also lowers stress hormones, releases endorphins (a natural painkiller), relieves muscle tension, improves blood flow, and lowers blood pressure. If the movie Elf doesn’t do it for you, what does? Bridesmaids? Johnny Dangerously? The Trip? Do you have a friend who makes you laugh until you cry? Invite them over, or if they’re far away, try to fit in a Skype session. Figure out what makes you laugh the most, then go do that thing.
If all else fails, go grab that last cookie, and take solace in the fact that this, too, shall pass. As we approach the end of 2018, here’s to a joyful, stress-busted holiday! If you liked this post, you can also read How to Make the Most of the Holidays with Your Family and Survival Tips for Holiday Homecomings. Additionally, if you feel that you need some extra help, we are here. You can contact us to make a counseling appointment or read about personal growth counseling on our dedicated page.
