Managing Control Struggles With Elementary Age Kids Through Positive Discipline
One of the most difficult things that comes up with parenting elementary aged kids is managing their need and want of control. This may be control related to rules, decisions, playing, or even the tasks of daily living.
This is where positive discipline parenting becomes essential.
It comes up frequently with this age group as kids start to learn about and experiment with power, relationships, consequences, responsibility, and independence. Parents’ experiences of these developmental tasks are often that their kids are ignoring, defying, or arguing with them about every little thing. And it’s partially true—our kids are testing the rules and boundaries and trying to figure out how to assert their desire for independence.
The other part, and this is the part that’s harder to manage, is when our kids’ words and behaviors trigger us instead of reminding us that they are trying to figure things out and need our help to find a sense of balance. This is where positive discipline strategies can transform the dynamic.
👉 If power struggles are taking over daily routines in your home, parenting counseling can help you build tools that reduce conflict while strengthening connection. Learn more about parenting counseling at Just Mind
A Real-Life Example of Positive Discipline in Action
A few weeks ago, I had just told my 5-year-old to brush his teeth for probably the 10th time, and this was after I had also told him at least a dozen other things that I needed him to do to get ready for bed. Things were starting to get ugly.
It’s the school year and you know how we’re all just trying to get through the routine, get our kids to bed, get our few minutes of “me” time, and get to sleep ourselves. I forgot what his experience of all this must be like until I saw the frustration and sadness on his face.
I asked him to tell me about how he was feeling, and he said, “I feel like you’re always bossing me around.”
At that moment, I realized that the daily grind had taken over. I had forgotten that an important part of my parenting is utilizing fun and figuring out how to share power in an appropriate way so that my son doesn’t have this feeling of no control. Even more important, I want him to feel like we are a team and that I can support him in his quest for getting his wants and needs validated and met.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving up my authority as the parent, and I obviously still need him to get the things done that are on my list, but I had put my tools of play and cooperation away for the night, and it wasn’t working.
This is the essence of positive discipline parenting—maintaining authority while sharing appropriate power.
What Is Positive Discipline? Sharing Power With Kids
So what’s to be done about sharing power with kids using positive discipline? I know it seems like a daunting task, and it definitely flies in the face of what generations before us have done, but it’s not as hard as it seems.
Positive discipline (not to be confused entirely with positive reinforcement) is about teaching children through cooperation and respect rather than through control and punishment. Here are a couple of tools to get you started with positive discipline parenting.
Research in positive psychology reveals something remarkable about how our brains process “yes” versus “no”:
- Negative words trigger stress: Hearing “no” causes the brain to release stress-producing neurochemicals
- The 5:1 ratio: We need five positive interactions for every negative one to activate motivational brain centers
Body language matters: Children respond not just to words but to the accompanying physical signals
Strategy #1: Embrace the Power of YES
One of the most powerful examples of positive discipline is learning to say YES more often.
You’ve probably heard of positive psychology, and this is straight from the work of Barbara Fredrickson, one of the founders, as well as the work of several other brain researchers. I won’t get too science-y on you, but in summary, the brain and nervous system respond differently to the words yes and no, as well as to the accompanying body language of the speaker of those words.
The Brain Science Behind This Positive Discipline Technique
In short, hearing no causes your brain to release stress-producing neurochemicals, while hearing yes doesn’t. The problem is that because positive words like yes do not threaten and engage our survival instinct, our brain doesn’t respond to them nearly as intensely as it responds to words like no.
So the researchers found that to activate the motivational centers of our brain, we need 5 positives to every negative. Think of it as a bank account: 1 withdrawal is a much bigger deal when your balance is low, but if you’ve already made 5 deposits, you can handle the withdrawal much better.
This 5:1 ratio is fundamental to effective positive discipline parenting.
Examples of Positive Discipline: Saying YES to Kids
So the next time you need your kids to get going with a task, and they’re giving you pushback, try engaging them with positive words and body language. Here are real examples of positive discipline in action:
Example of positive discipline for bedtime:
Instead of: “No, you can’t play. Brush your teeth NOW!”
Try this positive discipline approach: “I’ll give you a piggyback ride to the bathroom so you can brush your teeth now.”
Another example of positive discipline for time management:
When they need more control over their timeline and ask if they can finish 1 or 2 or 3 tasks before they brush their teeth, you might say: “Yes, I’ll set a timer, and when it goes off, it will be time to stop and brush teeth. Do you need 1 minute or 2 minutes?”
Before & After Examples
Old approach: “No, you can’t play right now. Go brush your teeth.”
New approach: “Yes! I’ll give you a piggyback ride to the bathroom so you can brush your teeth now.”
Old approach: “Stop asking to do other things first. You need to brush your teeth NOW.”
New approach: “Yes, I’ll set a timer. When it goes off, it will be time to brush teeth. Do you need 1 minute or 2 minutes?”
Why These Positive Discipline Examples Work
Now you’ve made a deposit in their account and engaged their brain in a positive way, you’ve set an expectation of what will happen next, and you’ve shared control by giving them a choice.
I try to be a “yes mom” as often as I can so that when I need to say no, my child can hear it and accept it more easily. When I can’t say yes, if it’s possible, I try to offer a choice or a way to feel empowered in the situation, which leads me to the next strategy.
This is positive discipline parenting at its core—building up positive interactions so that boundaries can be accepted.
Strategy #2: Give Choices to Avoid Power Struggles
Another essential example of positive discipline is involving your kids in decision-making when you can.
I know that sometimes you just need your kids to do what you need them to do, but quite often, there is some opportunity for collaboration. Depending on the age of your child, this will look and sound different with positive discipline parenting.
Examples of Positive Discipline for Younger Elementary Kids
With younger kids, a choice is often the best way to help them feel a sense of control. This is a classic positive discipline technique:
“We need to get ready for bed. Do you choose to brush your teeth first or pick out your pj’s first?”
Examples of Positive Discipline for Older Elementary Kids
Why Positive Discipline Works: Communication and Respect
As kids get older, there are many more opportunities for sharing power and decision making with positive discipline.
Sticking with the bedtime example, maybe you discuss with your child what tasks need to be completed before bedtime and ask for their ideas about how to best make that happen.
Or maybe you set up a weekly bedtime challenge, and for every challenge they beat, they earn something fun like a trip to get frozen yogurt with you over the weekend. This collaborative approach is what makes positive discipline parenting so effective.
Why Positive Discipline Works: Communication and Respect
There are so many ways to communicate to your child that they are important, that you value their ideas, and that you are willing to work with them to help everyone get what they want while feeling like they have a say in what’s happening.
After all, compromise and finding ways to get your needs met appropriately are lifelong skills that positive discipline teaches naturally.
Strategy #3: "Pause and Reset" Technique
For those times when you’ve told your kid to do something 10 times, and things are getting ugly, it’s not too late to push the pause button and verbalize what you’re noticing. This is one of the most important examples of positive discipline for real-life parenting moments.
How to Use the Positive Discipline Reset
- Pause – Stop the escalation
- Observe – Discuss your observations
- Ask – Ask your child about their experience of the situation
- Redo – Have a fresh start together
This positive discipline parenting approach models emotional awareness, problem-solving, and respect.
Positive Discipline Creates Cooperative Kids
In the end, I think you’ll find that empowered kids are cooperative kids, and that’s a win-win for everyone!
Positive discipline isn’t about being permissive or giving up your parental authority. It’s about:
✓ Teaching instead of punishing
✓ Collaborating instead of commanding
✓ Making deposits before withdrawals (5:1 ratio)
✓ Offering choices within boundaries
✓ Sharing appropriate power
✓ Building long-term skills
These examples of positive discipline show that when you shift from control to cooperation, both you and your child benefit.
👉 At Just Mind, our therapists support parents who want calmer homes, stronger relationships, and fewer power struggles. Parenting and family counseling can help you move from daily conflict to confident, connected parenting. Explore Parenting & Family Counseling at Just Mind
The Team Approach
Remember, you and your child are on the same team. When power struggles arise, they’re not adversaries to defeat but teammates who need better communication.
Every “yes” is an investment. Every choice offered is a teaching moment. Every reset models humility and growth. These small daily interactions build the foundation for a lifetime of healthy relationships and self-discipline.
Start today. Notice where you can say yes instead of no. Watch what happens when you offer genuine choices. Feel the shift as you move from boss to collaborative partner.
Your child isn’t trying to make life difficult. They’re trying to figure out who they are and where they fit. Help them discover that in an environment of cooperation rather than control.
Common Questions About Positive Discipline
Is positive discipline permissive parenting?
No. Positive discipline parenting maintains firm boundaries and clear expectations. The difference is in how those boundaries are communicated and enforced—through teaching rather than punishment.
What if my child doesn't respond to positive discipline?
Positive discipline takes consistency. Keep making those 5 positive deposits for every withdrawal. Most parents see changes within 1-2 weeks of consistent positive discipline parenting.
Can I use positive discipline with strong-willed kids?
Absolutely! Strong-willed children often respond better to positive discipline because it respects their need for autonomy while still maintaining structure.
