By Loren Lomme, LPC, RPT and clinically reviewed by Teri Schroeder, LCSW
As a kids’ counselor and mom of a 4 year old and teenager, I often hear others talking about awkward sex-talk situations with their kids, so I want to weigh in on how to talk about sex with your son or daughter! This is a tricky topic because it has a lot to do with personal comfort level, how you were raised, and personal beliefs; so understand that these are my personal beliefs, but also something I would communicate on a professional level to clients.
Start the Conversation Early
Most parents do not look forward to the day their child asks them where babies come from, what “private parts” are for, or what the words to the new hit song on the radio really mean. I’m here to tell you though that these conversations do not have to be scary, intimidating or uncomfortable. The key is to not wait until the right DAY for “the birds and the bees talk.” Conversations about body parts, sexual development, how our bodies work, and the like should be ongoing from as early on as possible in an age-appropriate way. When this happens, the awkwardness disappears, and your kids will feel comfortable coming to you with these questions. This is what we want because if you don’t have these conversations with your kids, guess who’s not afraid to: social media, YouTube, TV shows, kids at school, and the list goes on and on. Unfortunately, the messages that will come from these sources may not be aligned with the values you want to teach your kids, and the information will often be inaccurate.
What an Age-Appropriate Conversation Sounds Like
So what does a conversation like this sound like? I’ll give you one from my own house last week while my son was taking a bath:
4 year old: Hey mom, what are these ball things?
Me: They’re called testicles.
4 yo: Oh, what’s inside them?
Me: Chemicals that help make your body work and little things called sperm that you will use to make a baby if you want to when you’re older.
4 yo: Oh ok. They kind of look weird.
How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex: An Age-by-Age Guide
Every child is different, so use these as a rough map rather than a schedule. The American Academy of Pediatrics also recommends talking about sex early and often, with honest answers that fit your child’s age. The goal at every age is the same: answer honestly, keep it simple, and let them know they can always come back with more questions.
Ages 2 to 5: Name It and Keep It Simple
- Use the real names for body parts, like penis, vulva, and testicles, just like you would for elbows and knees.
- Teach that their body belongs to them, and that it’s OK to say no to hugs or tickles.
- Explain private parts and safe touch, and that there are no secrets about touching.
- Answer “where do babies come from?” with something short and true, like “Babies grow in a special place inside the mom called the uterus.”
Ages 6 to 8: Build on the Basics
- Give simple facts about how babies are made when they ask, and fill in a little more each time.
- Talk about what they hear at school or see online, and ask what they think it means before you explain.
- Practice consent in everyday play. “Stop” means stop, for everyone.
- Start mentioning that bodies will change as they grow, so puberty isn’t a surprise later.
Ages 9 to 12: Get Ahead of Puberty
- Talk about puberty before it starts, including periods, erections, wet dreams, body hair, and mood changes. Puberty usually starts between ages 8 and 13 for girls and 9 and 14 for boys.
- Explain sex clearly and connect it to your family’s values.
- Talk about online safety, including what to do if they see sexual images or someone asks them for pictures.
- Leave room for crushes and friendships without teasing.
Ages 13 and Up: Keep the Door Open
- Talk about consent in real situations: what it sounds like, and that it can be taken back at any time.
- Describe healthy relationships and warning signs, like jealousy, pressure, or control.
- Share accurate information about contraception and preventing STIs, even if you hope they’ll wait.
- Let them know they can come to you if something goes wrong, and that you’ll help first and talk about rules later.
- Respect that their sexual orientation and identity are theirs to explore, and that your love doesn’t depend on it.
Why Ongoing Conversations Help
Sounds anxiety-provoking maybe, but it’s not because we have these types of conversations pretty often, and I just adjust my answer to his age and developmental level. I actually love these conversations because I know that as my son grows older, we will already have a solid foundation for these topics. He will come to me with more questions, and I will continue to have the opportunity to teach values that are connected to these topics like: respecting his and others’ bodies, consent for physical interactions in relationships, what is and isn’t safe touch, etc. Not only that but I am also empowering my kid with knowledge, letting him know that his questions and curiosity are valid and important, and increasing connectedness and trust in my relationship with him. Don’t get me wrong though, we know that kids are masters of catching us off guard. So if you ever get asked a question that throws you off or comes at a bad time (like the checkout line at the grocery store), try not to lose your cool. It’s always ok to say something like, “That’s a great question, I need to think for a few minutes about a good answer” or “That’s an important question, let’s talk about it when we get to the car. I promise I’ll get back to you!” Make sure you do! It’s important for your kids to know that these conversations are not taboo and that you want to be a guide and source of information for them. If you feel that you need additional tips regarding parenting and children, you can contact us to make a counseling appointment or read more about child counseling and family and parenting counseling on our dedicated pages. For additional tips on children and parenting, you can read Validation: Helping Your Child to Feel Understood and Parents Who Parent Differently.
