What’s your closet? Three Steps for Having Difficult Conversations
By: Mary Hoofnagle
Curious how to be vulnerable in friendships? Read on for tips. At the beginning of this month Ash Beckham’s TED talk went viral. Why? Because it strikes a chord with anyone who has ever had to have a difficult conversation. Even though she is specifically talking about coming out as gay, she insightfully reminds us that sexuality is not the only closet that exists. We all try to hide things that we eventually have to admit. Ash affirms that talking about these things is not easy to do. No matter what the circumstances. There are no conversations that are harder than others. Hard is hard. That is all. We have to respect that fact in the manner in which we receive difficult information from someone. And we have to understand that fact and be graceful with ourselves when we are preparing to deliver difficult information. She offers up three steps for difficult conversations:
Be Authentic: This can be challenging. Remember, authenticity is about opening up and sharing your truth with someone. Trying to use white lies and half-truths to make it easier on the other person doesn’t make it easier. It makes it confusing and more difficult to sort out. When you’re authentic and real, a person can sense it. They see it in your eyes and body language. They hear it in your voice. Knowing someone trusted you enough to be truthful, even with information that can be difficult to take or possibly hurtful, communicates that you honor, trust, and respect them. Those feelings always leave a person with the underlying sense that you value them.
Be Direct: We are taught so early on in this culture to be careful how we say things. There’s a euphemism or twelve for every difficult topic. We have the idea that it’s not OK to be direct with difficult things. But here’s the thing—when we beat around the bush it drags out the pain. The other person leaves still trying to absorb what just happened. Being direct means the other person hears you right away and begins processing their reactions immediately. The sooner we engage in that process, the sooner we begin approaching acceptance. When we avoid directness by using maybes and possibilities, we drag out that process by implanting false hope. False hope can make the grieving process excruciating. And make no mistake, any time we are confronted with difficult news we grieve what we once knew to be true so we can make room for what is true.
Be Unapologetic: This doesn’t mean be insensitive. Leave space for the other person’s response and reaction and accept that they are where they are. But don’t apologize or feel guilty for where you are. Being authentic requires that we know it’s OK to be in a different space than someone else and it’s OK to have a different truth than someone else. If someone reacts badly, this is a reaction to new information, not a threat to your truth.
So there you have it. Three steps for difficult conversations. Take note: they are not three simple steps. They aren’t simple at all. Those three actions are some of the hardest things in life there are to do because they require being vulnerable. Vulnerability is not easy. Brené Brown has said “Vulnerability looks like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” See what else she has to say about vulnerability in her Ted Talk.
And if you’re unsure how to start taking those difficult steps check out these five ways to step forward when you’re scared to death. Or talk to a counselor. We’re here to help you find your courage to take difficult steps. You can contact us at any time to make a counseling appointment or take a look at our adult counseling services.
Looking for resources that will help you strengthen your relationships? You can read Strengthening Through Reflecting Feeling and Vengeance vs. Forgiveness.
