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Many people ask the question “will my relationship last?” When people inquire about what makes relationships work or fail, I often cite some of the work of Dr. John Gottman. Dr. Gottman can predict with 96% accuracy within the first three minutes of a couple having a conversation whether the relationship will make it or not. He bases these predictions on four potentially destructive communication styles and coping mechanisms: (1) harsh startup, (2) the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, (3) flooding, and (4) body language. In this synopsis I will focus on the Four Horsemen.
Criticism is the first horseman in a relationship. Criticizing our partner is different than offering a critique or having a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former attacks our partner at the core. In effect, we are dismantling his or her whole being when we criticize.
“I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other” is a complaint.
“You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful; you just don’t think about me” is a criticism.
When we communicate from this state, we are being mean, treating others with disrespect by using sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The partner feels despised and worthless. Contempt is toxic and cannot be replaced with anything. It must be eliminated.
“I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do, when you come home from work, is to flop down on that sofa and become a couch potato. You are just about the sorriest excuse for a husband I can think of.”
This is an easy one to fall into. We feel accused of something and think that, if we tell our partner our excuse for doing what we did, he or she will back off. But the excuse just tells our partner that we haven’t considered anything he or she has said. Basically, by defending ourselves we are ignoring our partner.
She: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we are not coming tonight as you said this morning you would?” He: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact you knew how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?” He not only responds defensively but turns the table and makes it her fault.
A non-defensive response would have been: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. Let me call them right now.”
When we stonewall, we avoid conflict either because we are unconscious of our own feelings or because we are afraid. Rather than confronting the issues (usually they tend to accumulate) with our partner, we make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, being busy or engaging in obsessive behaviors. We simply stop engaging in the business of relating to another person.”
Having these factors present doesn’t mean that the relationship can’t be saved, it just means it could use some work. Learning how to fight right is a process and guidance can help. Take a look at our post on three simple ways to help have a happy relationship. If you notice these trends in your relationship or want to strengthen it, contact us to make a counseling appointment so our highly trained couples counselors can help you. You can also read more about couples counseling on our dedicated page.