By the Just Mind clinical team and clinically reviewed by Teri Schroeder, LCSW
Coming Out and the Stages of Grief
There is a good chance you have heard of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief, known as the acronym DABDA. When working with people who discovered that they would die soon, she observed a five-stage journey through which they seemed to progress. The stages are not linear. A person often jumps around, as they walk this path they did not choose.
Denial: This can’t be happening to me.
Anger: At everyone, including themselves and God, if they are religious.
Bargaining: Maybe if I do this or that, I can postpone or avoid the outcome.
Depression: This is real and heavy and hopeless.
Acceptance: This is happening, and I can hold onto my life and loved ones until the end.
Since Kübler-Ross first published her findings, these stages have been used to understand grief in general. You can often see these stages of responses when a person faces any kind of loss: death, divorce, a move, the diagnosis of a major health issue, or any kind of significant life transition.
Another place you see these stages is in the “coming out” process for someone in the LGBTQIA community. You see the stages in the individual, as well as among the people who love the individual, such as parents, siblings, and close friends. Often the person coming out is at a different stage of the process than the people who love them, which makes things challenging and painful. The person who is coming out likely wrestled with the process for a long time before finally sharing the journey with their loved ones. In the midst of their own pain and struggles, they desperately need comfort and acceptance. Because of where their loved ones are in their own processes, the individual coming out may not be able to get these needs met by the people closest to them, so they must find a new community or suffer in isolation. This is a very hard place to be for everyone.
What Are the Stages of Coming Out? The Cass Model
Stage theories of any kind help normalize our experience without trivializing it. It gives us the opportunity to say, “Yes, that’s what I am experiencing! Someone else gets it! I’m not alone.” One stage theory is the Cass Model for the stages of coming out, which has six stages: Identity Confusion, Identity Comparison, Identity Tolerance, Identity Acceptance, Identity Pride, and Identity Synthesis.
Identity Confusion: What is going on? This is scary. Maybe I should try harder in my hetero world.
Identity Comparison: Who am I like? Who do I relate to? Where do I fit? What will I gain? What will I lose?
Identity Tolerance: I might be queer. I am starting to seek out people like me.
Identity Acceptance: I am queer, and I am getting more comfortable sharing that with some people.
Identity Pride: I am queer, proud, and want to share it with everyone.
Identity Synthesis: I am queer, and it is not all of me, but it is a very important part of me.
Loved ones of the individual coming out go through a version of these stages, too. These stages do not happen in a vacuum for anyone involved. There are other layers that get added to the complexity of the process. Add in religious community beliefs, cultural expectations, region of the country the person resides in, socioeconomic status and needs, political climate, and so much more, and a person can find themselves navigating a road fraught with traumatic experiences that will follow them into their future relationships and life experiences.
Practical Support for Each Stage of Coming Out
Vivienne Cass introduced this model in 1979, and many people today move through it in a different order, skip stages, or circle back. Treat it as a guide, not a checklist. Here is what tends to help at each point:
Identity Confusion: Give yourself permission not to have an answer yet. Journaling, reading LGBTQ+ stories, or talking with one trusted person can make the questions feel less scary.
Identity Comparison: It’s normal to weigh what you might gain and lose. Try not to make big decisions about who to tell while you’re still sorting it out for yourself.
Identity Tolerance: Finding community helps a lot here. An LGBTQ+ group, an online space you trust, or an affirming friend can show you that people like you live full, happy lives.
Identity Acceptance: You get to choose who to tell and when. Start with people most likely to be supportive, and have a plan for where you’ll go for support if a conversation goes badly.
Identity Pride: Anger at a world that made this hard is valid. Channel it into connection and advocacy, and notice if it starts to cost you relationships you care about.
Identity Synthesis: Your identity becomes one important part of a whole life. This is a good time to reflect on how far you’ve come and what you want your next chapter to look like.
If Someone You Love Is Coming Out
- Thank them for trusting you. Coming out to you was a risk.
- Listen more than you talk, and ask how they’d like you to support them.
- Keep it private until they tell you who else knows.
- If you’re struggling with the news, find your own support so you don’t put that weight on them.
If you are an LGBTQ+ young person in crisis, The Trevor Project offers free, 24/7 support by phone at 1-866-488-7386 or by texting START to 678-678.
You Do Not Have to Do This Alone
Isolation and lack of support makes all of these struggles exponentially harder. In fact, isolation and lack of support are what turns a hard journey into a clinically traumatic one. Do not take this journey alone. For the sake of your livelihood in the next phase of your life and for your future relationships, find a good, fully affirming therapist who is aware of these complexities, to be part of your support system. You can do this…whatever “this” ends up looking like for you. Things WILL get better. You do not have to do it alone.
If you or someone you know needs help on their journey, you can contact us to make a counseling appointment. Additionally, you can read more about LGBTQ+ affirming counseling or grief counseling on our dedicated pages. Our goal is to provide our clients with the best possible care.
Photo by Jasmin Sessler on Unsplash
