By: William Schroeder, LPC, NCC
Healing trauma in relationships isn’t easy and it often requires a great deal of patience, understanding, and a willingness to grow together. Inevitably, when you and your partner have both experienced difficult events, creating a safe and supportive environment is essential.
How do you do that? By addressing the impact of past traumas and learning healthy strategies to work through them, you can nurture deeper connection and trust, both in yourself and each other.
Recognize trauma’s influence
As a therapist, I think it helps to begin by acknowledging that trauma can affect your behaviors, emotions, and communication styles. You might notice challenging moments such as heightened anxiety, flashbacks, or difficulty trusting each other, or maybe you trust people too quickly.
Recognizing these signs is an important first step toward healing because it allows you to see that distressing reactions may have deeper roots to old events (EMDR therapy can be helpful to work through some of those events in individual counseling).
Most importantly, pay attention to each other’s nervous systems. If one person escalates, the other’s calmness helps anchor the system.
Also, notice what happens in your body—tightening, heat, withdrawing—when you’re triggered. This gives you early warning signs.
Questions to ask yourselves
- What triggers seem to escalate conflict?
- How might past experiences shape your reactions today?
- In what ways can you offer support when the other person appears overwhelmed?
Create a safe environment
Feeling safe both physically and emotionally helps to provide the foundation for healing trauma in relationships. TIn practice this looks like setting boundaries, using calming strategies, and making time for open discussion. You can create a consistent daily routine that brings predictability into your relationship, which helps alleviate stress and fosters a sense of security.
Take co-regulating breaks—slow breathing together or short walks where neither of you has to talk.
Simple actions to build safety
- Schedule regular check-ins to share worries or updates.
- Let each other know your immediate needs (e.g., space, comfort, or listening).
- Develop a code word or phrase to indicate when you’re feeling overwhelmed and need a break.
Practice empathetic communication
For many people trauma can make them extra sensitive to perceived criticism or distance. When you’re mindful of your tone and expressions, you send the message that you truly care. Listening attentively and validating your partner’s feelings—words like “I understand why you’d feel that way”—can go a long way. So, be mindful of that when you communicate.
Build agreements about how you’ll speak to each other, pause conflicts, and return to repair.
Communication tips
- Reflect back what you’ve heard, such as “I hear that you’re feeling anxious about…”
- Ask clarifying questions to ensure you fully understand each other.
- Avoid blame by focusing on your own feelings rather than accusing or shaming.
Seek professional guidance
Trauma-informed couples counseling is unique in that they are trained on both best practices for working with couples but also have specialized training in trauma and how that affects couples attachment to one another. They can also guide you in setting healthy boundaries and encourage respectful ways to navigate tough conversations.
Couples counseling isn’t a magic pill and everything gets better. Expect discomfort. Healing is not linear, and tenderness for yourselves matters more than perfection. I often say in session, it’s better to focus on progress over perfection.
Focus on self-care habits
When you’re working through healing trauma in relationships, it’s important to take care of yourselves individually as well. Self-care can help you regulate emotions, reduce stress, and maintain the mental energy needed for nurturing your partnership. Meditation and walking can help with regulation of your emotions. Look to those things that you know help you with this.
Individual self-care ideas
- Practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing and gentle stretching.
- Plan enjoyable solo activities or hobbies to foster independence.
- Journal about your experiences or emotions to gain clarity.
Rebuild and grow together
Overcoming trauma as a couple is about recognizing that recovery is a process and not a single event. Forging new routines or rituals, such as weekly walks or cooking meals together, can bring you closer. Celebrate small victories to remind each other how far you’ve come and encourage ongoing commitment to your shared growth.
Ways to track progress
- Note improvements in communication, like smaller disagreements or more frequent laughter.
- Reflect together on what strategies have been most helpful.
- Consider renewing your commitment to growth periodically by reviewing your relationship goals.
By staying attentive to one another’s experiences and seeking the right support, you can strengthen your bond and foster a healthier, more resilient partnership. Healing trauma in relationships is entirely possible when you create a safe environment, embrace empathy, and keep self-care top of mind both individually and together. With each positive step, you’ll build greater trust and understanding, ultimately deepening the love you share.
