It’s Not Just the Topic. It’s How You Talk About It
Why you keep having the same fight with your partner isn’t about money, chores, or parenting—it’s about the way you talk to each other.
Some couples seek counseling when there is tension in the relationship and anything and everything seems to lead to a discussion or even a fight. But there are also couples who come in knowing that there is one topic in particular that seems to be the point of contention.
Couples can get stuck every time they discuss money, physical intimacy, in-laws, parenting styles, trust, or the division of household chores (among other topics). They often recognize this and try to avoid the topic at all costs, only to have an intensified fight when it inevitably shows up. Most couples come in feeling defeated, noticing that no matter how they’ve tried to talk about it, nothing gets resolved and the conversation or fight just lingers.
The Power of Process Over Content
There is a very specific look of disappointment and disbelief when I tell couples in the first session that we won’t be addressing the issue they came in with right away.
Few things are as distressing as being at odds with your partner, so I understand the urgency to fix what feels broken. But jumping straight into the problem rarely leads to real progress. What tends to help most is shifting the focus to how they are talking about the issue rather than the issue itself. The way couples communicate can reveal deeper patterns and hidden emotional needs.
“Want to see this shift in action? Here’s a brief video where a therapist unpacks how couples often miss the emotional subtext of recurring arguments. It highlights the power of ‘how’ over ‘what.’”
A Closer Look: Amy and Bob
To see how this plays out, let’s look at a fictional example: Amy and Bob.
They feel stuck every single time they talk about money. Though they’ve had struggles in other areas too, money is the one topic that almost always turns into a painful fight. They’ve tried a variety of solutions—budgeting tools, avoiding the topic entirely, even consulting a financial advisor—but nothing seems to help. They’re both left feeling misunderstood and emotionally distant. Eventually, they decide to try couples therapy.
When Money Isn’t Really About Money
In our session, I ask Amy and Bob to walk me through the last time they talked about money. I encourage them to be as detailed as possible, right down to the tone of voice, eye contact, and body language.
A Look, A Feeling, A Fight
As they begin recounting the exchange, Bob points out a very specific look Amy gives him whenever the topic comes up. When I ask him to describe it, he talks about a subtle shift in her eyebrows and a tightening of her lips. Amy sees it as a neutral or unconscious reaction, but to Bob, it speaks volumes.
That small expression triggers something in him. He says that when he sees it, he feels she is frustrated or angry, and underneath that, he worries she doesn’t respect him or value his opinions.
This is the moment when the conversation about money stops being about money. It becomes about respect. On the surface, they may still be discussing numbers or budgets, but emotionally, Bob is now fighting to be seen and respected.
When he asks, “Why do we keep having the same fight again and again?” I explain that they’re not actually fighting about money anymore. They’re caught in a deeper emotional loop, each protecting something the other may not fully understand—and sometimes, they don’t even understand it themselves.
Getting Unstuck Starts with a Different Conversation
The Real Fight Is Often Hidden
When couples start to examine how they engage with one another during conflict, they often discover that the real fight isn’t about the topic at all. It’s about feeling respected, feeling safe, or feeling valued.
This shift in focus can open the door to real progress. Instead of trying to win or resolve a surface issue, the conversation becomes a way to understand and support each other more deeply. That’s where real change begins—not in the content of the argument, but in how you relate while having it. If you have found Why You Keep Having the Same Fight (And How to Actually Stop) helpful, please forward this to others or share it online!
Author, Andrea Oberhauser, LPC Associate – Andrea practices EFT Couples therapy
