From Dr. Marsha Linehan’s 6 Levels of Validation and Ann Meehan’s The Power of Validation.) Adapted with examples for parents and kids.
Validation is a way to tell someone they are seen, heard, and respected without necessarily agreeing with everything they’re saying. Dr. Marsha Linehan has identified six levels of validation.
Level 1: Presence: Be present to the person by listening and feeling empathy. Show you are paying attention through eye-contact, nonverbal communication (nodding), and open questions ( “Can you tell me what happened?”).
Level 2: Accurate Reflection: Summarize what the person said to you with your own words and check in (“Is that right?”). Communicate that you’ve heard the other person accurately. Paraphrase (don’t “parrot”) what the other is sharing. Be nonjudgmental and matter-of-fact. Have an “of course” attitude. You don’t have to agree with or like the other’s perceptions or feelings. Validation isn’t approval, rather it’s tolerating others’ feelings and demonstrating your ability to respect those feelings even if you might not feel the same. You are showing that you “get” what they are feeling.
Example: “I don’t want to go to practice today. I don’t ever get to play with my friends.” Validation: “You’re sad that you can’t play with your friends today.”
Example: “I hate my sister. She steals everything!” Validation: “It makes you mad when your sister takes your things.”
Example: “My teacher doesn’t like me.” Validation: “Sounds like you feel your teacher isn’t nice to you. Is that right?”
Level 3: Stating What Hasn’t Been Said Out Loud – Identifying Emotions: Here you are trying to figure out what a person might be feeling based on the clues you have. This is a skill that gets better with practice: you have to risk being wrong. You learn to “read” a person’s behavior and imagine what they might be feeling, worried about, or wanting. Receiving this level of validation feels good because it’s clear someone else made an effort to think about you. Check for accuracy. These aren’t proclamations based on assumptions (“You are angry at your teacher!”) rather they’re educated guesses (“I wonder if she did something that hurt your feelings, and that felt unfair and a little scary?”).
Pay attention to feedback to figure out if you are on the right track or not. Sometimes this validation leads to a rush of intense feelings from the other person as they find themselves feeling accepted.
Level 4: Understanding History Discuss what’s happening in the context of them experiencing previously challenging experiences. Even feelings that you have difficulty accepting or understanding can make sense when you put them in the context of a person’s history. This level of validation demonstrates to the person that their responses make sense based on their past experiences. (“Of course you’d feel scared when your teacher raises her voice or looks angry.”). You are demonstrating that you understand how those feelings make sense given the person’s circumstances.
Level 5: Normalize Behavior: Point out that their reaction is normal for the situation and shared by many people. You want to look for the “grain of truth” in the person’s response and help them understand that you understand that if they could have done anything to be more effective, they would have. Believe in their good intentions. “I can understand why you’d feel like she doesn’t like you.”
Level 6: Radical Genuineness Express support while believing they can solve their own issues. Respond genuinely. Don’t be patronizing or condescending and don’t treat the person as if they are too fragile. Recognize strengths and limitations in a matter-of-fact way. “I’m glad you told me so I can help. It’s so hard when your teacher doesn’t understand you. Let’s plan to talk with her together so she can get to know you better.“
Photo by Tetbirt Salim on Unsplash
