A Clinician, a Partner, and a Personal Reckoning

I was recently, and profoundly, humbled—both as a clinician and a partner—by a personal experience. It’s moments like these that remind me why I love what I do.

Let me back up.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for six. We like to claim we know each other better than we know ourselves, which feels true—and also absolutely isn’t. We proudly wear a badge of self-awareness, often ignoring our significant blind spots.

In 2020, my husband sought support for suspected ADHD. His motivation? Both of his brothers were diagnosed, and he suspected he might share some of their experiences.

Conflict Between the Partner and the Clinician

I had conflicting feelings. As both a partner and a clinician, I didn’t observe him struggling in the ways I understood ADHD to manifest.

Partner Alyssa supported anything that helped him function and was proud of him for seeking support.

Clinician Alyssa, however, was cautious—concerned about misdiagnosis, overprescribed stimulants, and the fact that he was seeking a diagnosis in adulthood, despite ADHD symptoms typically emerging in childhood.

After receiving a formal diagnosis and starting stimulant medication, he reported feeling more organized, focused, and less anxious at work. As his partner, I was glad. But personally, I didn’t feel much change. At that point, ADHD didn’t seem to be affecting our relationship.

When ADHD Collides with Parenthood

Then we had our first child. Like most couples, we faced some growing pains but managed to navigate them, renegotiating roles and responsibilities effectively.

When our second child arrived, that balance collapsed.

I grew frustrated with what I perceived as his lack of flexibility and attunement to our chaotic life with two young kids. I began overfunctioning and resenting it.

He struggled with the lack of structure and interpreted my overfunctioning as treating him like a child rather than a partner.

We couldn’t get on the same page. Misunderstandings became constant, conflict patterns entrenched, and both of us felt isolated and defeated.

My Clients Taught Me What My Degree Didn’t

During this period, I happened to be working with several clients diagnosed with ADHD. To better support them, I immersed myself in ADHD-related literature, podcasts, and research. What I found was color and nuance far beyond the sterile clinical criteria of the DSM.

And then I read The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov—and my perspective shifted dramatically.

Suddenly, I could see my husband—and our relationship—more clearly. I developed greater empathy for him and for myself. I felt validated and, more important, motivated to move forward together, with a deeper understanding of how differently our minds work.

Learning Together: The Game-Changer

I encouraged my husband to read the book, too. We were stunned to discover how deeply our differing neurotypes had been influencing our marriage.

Reading it together brought us closer. It increased mutual empathy, allowed us to practice patience, and, above all, humbled us. We’ve since committed to a shared path of curiosity and continued learning.

Have we figured it all out? Not even close. But we are figuring it out—together.

We feel more hopeful, more connected, and more capable.

Here are five practical strategies that have helped us:

5 Tips for Navigating a Relationship with an ADHD Partner

1. Read The ADHD Effect on Marriage—Together

This book was a turning point for us. It’s vital that both the neurodivergent and neurotypical partner understand how ADHD shapes relationship patterns. You need shared language to solve shared problems.

2. ADHD Is Not the Enemy

It’s easy to fall into the trap of viewing ADHD as a defect or burden. Don’t. ADHD brings many strengths: forgiveness, spontaneity, creativity, multitasking, resilience. Celebrate these.

(Neurotypical partners: many of these traits are probably what drew you in.)

Looking for more context and practical advice? Check out our 13-minute video interview below, where we discuss real-world strategies for supporting your ADHD partner and creating a balanced relationship.

3. The Non-ADHD Partner Has Work to Do, Too

While your partner may carry the diagnosis, responsibility isn’t theirs alone. Chances are, the neurotypical partner has also developed coping behaviors—some likely unhealthy.

Your commitment to each other includes learning how to adapt, together.

4. Build Systems, Not Battles

ADHD brains benefit from structure and predictability. For us, that’s meant putting everything—and we mean everything—on a shared calendar. That includes appointments, chores, even intimacy.

Routines don’t restrict freedom—they create it.

5. Be Curious, Not Certain

Don’t assume. Ask. Perspective-taking is essential, especially when your brains work differently. The goal isn’t to be right—it’s to understand each other.

Keep your eye on that prize.

A Final Word: This Is a Journey, Not a Fix

There’s no finish line here. And surprisingly, that’s a relief.

We’ve shed the illusion that we know ourselves—and each other—completely. We see our blind spots not as flaws but as invitations to grow.

As life evolves, so will your dynamic. Your different ways of thinking will inevitably clash at times. That’s okay. Return to these strategies, seek out resources and community, and remember: you are not alone.

Author: Alyssa Van Lopik, LCSW